Healing the effects of Social Conditioning while Transitioning into a Purpose Driven Self Discovery Journey “Rested” was an empty promise I had trouble capturing prior to a near-death, life altering burnout in January of 2020. Deep seated exhaustion consumed life in a constant state of survival mode as the world closed into separation, fueled by uncertainty; my pursuit of happiness solidified after arriving at the end of my preverbal road in life. Death lingered as I fought to keep breathing; witnessing its fearful presence, through my children's eyes, with not one of us certain my lungs could survive the battle I was up against. As life magnificently imploded by removing everything, I knew to be true, a choice presented itself through the darkness that forever changed my approach to living life. 

The will to live or to roll over and succumb to the residual side effects of social conditioning; that is the question facing me daily. A substantial part of me welcomed death as a guaranteed end to the incessant thoughts draining joy from my life in every waking moment of each day. Consumed by exhaustion there were moments I wished my car would drive into a pole to escape the monotony attempting to swallow me whole. My lifelong battle with depression reared its emptiness as the hollow void began to spread once again. Joy was fleeting amongst the Hell on Earth embodiment life had become in addition to the never-ending temptation to remove myself from the equation entirely. When death knocks on your door shit gets real at an accelerated pace; choice between living or dying, to stay, or to go, fight or flight placed me at the gates of Heaven and Hell. Did I have enough desire to keep living an unfulfilling dumpster fire? No, I did not; but what I did have was a deep maternal instinct, whispering within me, to protect my children from the narcissistic men I procreated life with. My own catalyst igniting eternal life within the depths of my soul. I chose to fight for myself for the first time in life; my happiness, my health, my inner peace and even though my life did not provide myself worth that day four years ago, the 3 children I birthed out of love sure did. 

Devotion is applied to areas of significance in the Spiritual practice of embodiment. As a former Christian my faith-based knowledge surrounded Jesus Christ and taught me to place my belief in this Godly man, and I did wholeheartedly; until I realized Jesus was the problem. The compassion, nurture, security, and comfort he offered was exactly what my heart desired. Someone capable of accepting me as I am, sounds like a dream, compared to Society Standard who lost ability to accept imperfection in its hot pursuit of greed and desire. I, like, gazillions of other women placed faith in yet another man who over promised and under delivered teaching me, from an early age, that my worth is associated in service to men. The audacity caused a deep seeded commitment to my self-discovering healing journey to learn how to reclaim pieces of my worth from the low level of emotional intelligence Christianity has embodied. Faith is being used to control the masses and my devotion to deconstruct manmade religion has officially began filling me with purpose opening the door to endless possibilities in my pursuit of discovering what one woman can achieve through the power of her own belief. 

Turns out I was unable to find happiness within me being tied to a patriarchal system incapable of seeing women for their worth. Getting paid less for being a woman never made sense, but I tolerated it to be included in Corporate America. Having body autonomy removed by men does not make sense to souls who operate outside religious confines, yet it keeps happening. Glorifying women ONLY to sell desire, to sell entertainment and beauty products does not resonate within me. So, I forge my own path forward to provide a glimmer of hope to those who can relate. The days of being used, abused, unappreciated and disrespected repeatedly at the hands of Toxic Masculinity stuck in the outdated belief structures of low emotional intelligence have officially ended. Personally, I can no longer pretend to be happy surrounded by the emotional toxicity embodied throughout our Government, Church, Hollywood, Corporate America etc. My inner peace and happiness come at a hefty price for those believing woman have no worth in a patriarchal world designed to suppress the source of all life through the Biblical teachings of Christ unable to see the damage being done to the masses by taking life bearing credit away from all women walking this Earth. 

Deconstructing deep-seated anger and frustration within me on my journey to self-discovery provided a catalyst that incited change to break free from the outdated beliefs I learned as a Christian. My inner peace and happiness were hiding behind my ability to accept myself beyond the confines of righteous judgment taught in association with the condemnation of organized religious beliefs. Spiritual beings are the Black Sheep of the family; the generational curse breakers designed to be the difference this world needs to evolve beyond suffering. By healing our own energetic imbalances from the inside out we become the change necessary to free humanity from low levels of emotional intelligence teaching them to dislike aspects of themselves they are intended to learn how to love. Degrees of separation between the fragmented version of self-embodiment (ego self) are the live and learn lessons life presents when walking a path towards enlightenment. Perfection is replaced by self-acceptance, doubt replaced by confidence, fear replaced by faith, anger and frustration are alchemized to fuel forward action to raise awareness towards lifelong depression and the correlation between long-term side effects of being emotionally and physically abused by the low levels of emotional intelligence hiding behind the teachings of Jesus Christ.  

Happiness found me when I found depth to myself. My Hell and Back Awakening delivered priceless perspective that would have not been found had I not faced my greatest fear of all; a man capable of loving the good aspects within me, the bad choices I have learned from and everything in-between because if I am not accepted at my worst then I don’t believe any man deserves me at my best. It is time women learn how to leave Toxic Masculinity embodied in low levels of emotional intelligence in the past by learning to embody more love of self in the present. There is life beyond men and it is about damn time women started living it.